Lex’s point of view
‘Lex!’ He shouted, tugging on the end of my dress in a desperate attempt to make me sit down. But he tugged too hard, causing me to lose my footing. I stumbled, falling back into my seat, but at the same time, throwing myself into Louis. The car swerved and I watched as we rapidly approached the brick wall, everything moving in slow motion.
Whatever happened next was completely my fault.
We hit the wall with the creak of metal being compounded, filling my ears. I felt my body being jolted forward, soon hitting the dashboard.
A chain of events had led me to this point, staring with one I thought I’d never have to deal with.
It was always unusual to hear from my dad. After his affair with my mother, he had ran off and left me. But as I got older, he started to get in contact. I didn’t particularly like him but I was willing to be civil, Heidi had told me I should count myself lucky that he still wanted to see me; so many other people, including her, never saw their parents again after an affair like that.
But anyway, three days ago, I got a call. I was in the flat and all the boys were around. The dial on my phone read his name and I picked it up tentatively, holding it to my ear.
The conversation was a blur, I just remember the words that delivered the final news to me.
‘Alexis, love. It’s your mother. Karen and Geoff got a call from her new family up there this morning. I’m afraid she has committed suicide.’ His voice was vague, a slight drag of regret in his tone.
I couldn’t answer him then. I just said goodbye and then dropped the device in my hands.
I didn’t know how to feel.
On the one hand, she had left me, with no contact, for 12 years. She started a new life without me, leaving me alone. I resented her for that.
But on the other hand, she was my mother. My mum.
Confusion stretch through my body; twisting around every organ, running through each vein.
I watched as each boy watched me, wondering what had caused the sudden reaction.
Liam was the first to know that something was wrong. His face, at first curved with laughter, was now creased with concern.
Louis stood up instantaneously, as if I were in some immediate danger that he was to fend off.
‘What is it Lex?’ He asked, his pale blue eyes growing larger in concern.
I shook my head, one fast, sharp movement, before exiting the room.
It took me a few hours to be able to open up. I just didn’t know what to do. If Jee was here, she would sort it. But she wasn’t and so she couldn’t.
I couldn’t cry. I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to. I just felt like someone had stuck a cork in the place where emotions come out and it was firmly lodged.
It was like being stabbed but not being able to feel any pain, just watching the life leave you.
I hardly talked for the rest of that day, just wandered around aimlessly, not sure what to do.
But the next day I woke up. And I woke up angry. I just wanted to punch everything in sight. I kicked my wall, threw shoes across my room.
Eventually Louis staged an intervention.
‘Lex, you have to stop this,’ He urged softly, placing his hands on my shoulder just a moment after I had thrown my most recent victim, one of Heidi’s Louboutins, across the room.
‘I don’t want to.’ Snarled fiercely at him.
I tried to turn away but he grabbed my waist, preventing my turn. It was then I snapped. My fists tight, I pounded them against his chest, cursing angrily. He did nothing to stop me and eventually I calmed, melting towards him. He took my weight and led to me to the sofa where I cried.
The tears bought with them, a sort of release. Someone had removed the cork and I could feel again. I sobbed into his shoulder until it was sodden and smudged with makeup but he just stroked my hair.
Louis was there for me right now. Unlike Liam.
It wasn’t his fault but he was permanently absent, even when he was there in person. He didn’t care about much anymore, he just drifted. He put on a front of course, like he always did. He played the cute, light hearted, figure of authority in the group; although we could all tell he was acting.
It was like, when Heidi left, she had taken a piece of him with her.
I had always known Liam was in love with Heidi, perhaps before even he knew himself. There had always been a special kind of bond, a different bond than we had. Whenever we played mum’s and dad’s when we were kids, Liam and Heidi were my parents. Liam was always protective over both of us, but it was not the same. When I got boyfriends, he was always tentative at first but eventually gave in. But with Heidi, it was different. He would be permanently on guard, almost like he was just waiting for them to slip up so he could take her back and keep her safe.
Liam tried his best now but he wasn’t focused. He sat with me last night, trying to get a reply from me, but he was far more focused on texting Heidi, trying to force a reply. His heart was there, it just wasn’t quite in the right place.
Now, the final section in the chain of events, started this afternoon.
They all arrived back from an interview and Louis came to me with a proposition.
‘We’re going out tonight,’ He announced and I saw there was no point in arguing with him. I nodded, agreeing.
I didn’t know how it was going to help but it would serve as a distraction. I pulled on my black, body-con dress that clung to my skin, wrapping tightly around my torso. I couldn’t be bothered to make much more of an effort, straightening my hair and rushing my makeup. I wasn’t bothered to do much lately.
Louis smiled widely at me as I appeared from my room, like I had just achieved some great task by getting ready. Liam was sitting, his legs crossed on the sofa, but showed no sign of moving as we left.
I asked him why he wasn’t coming but he just shrugged, excusing himself before nodding to Niall.
In the club, it was hot and loud. Despite that, I moved immediately to the bar, knowing exactly what my plan was.
I ordered in the shots, throwing them down my throat, one after the other, not stopping to consider anything. Zayn, Niall and Harry joined in at first, but quit after a while, wanting to last the evening. Louis wasn’t drinking at all. He told me it was because he was driving but we could’ve easily got a taxi back. I suspected it was because he was looking out for me.
Even when Harry, Zayn and Niall went to dance, I continued at the bar, ordering drink after drink.
‘Lex, slow down!’ Louis shouted over the music.
I shook my head stubbornly, continuing with my pursuit. I liked the way it made me feel. It made me feel like I had nothing to worry about.
But after a while, I had to stop. I stepped backwards, almost losing my balance completely. Louis caught me and looked at me, concerned.
I was wasted. I knew that.
‘C’mon Lex, we’re going!’ He yelled, trying to convey a message over the noise.
He penguin marched me towards the other boys, holding on to my waist.
He signalled to them that we were leaving and they followed.
‘Louis! Let go of me! I don’t want to go!’ I yelled, struggling from his grasp as we approached the door.
‘No, Lex, come on,’ He said sternly, containing on our way out the club.
He managed to wrestle me outside, the boys drunkenly following us. We piled into Louis’ car, Lou sitting me firmly in the front seat.
But I didn’t want to be here. I wanted to party. Already the buzz from the alcohol was dulling. I wanted to feel the rush.
I wasn’t thinking about what I did as I did it. I pressed the button that opened the sun roof and then un buckled my seatbelt, standing on my seat. We sped down the road, the wind hitting me in the face, making my skin cold. It whipped my hair behind me, giving it movement as if it were alive. I watched the darkness as the orange light from the lampposts sped past, blurred, they gave the impression of being fiery stars. It was like flying. I felt like I was soaring through the sky. I loved it.
‘Lex!’ Louis cried, looking away from the road for a split second at what I was doing.
I could hear the other boys calling me. Harry stuck his head out of his window, calling for me to get down, as if I couldn’t hear them already. I ignored them, throwing my arms above my head, squealing in delight.
But I finally sensed Louis’ franticness. He tugged my dress, his voice desperate.
And this was where it left me.
Everything was hazy although I wasn’t sure if that was the alcohol or the hit to the head I had just sustained. Everything was on lag and I was sure I was only there for a matter of seconds before the ambulance arrived.
I could hear Zayn, Niall and Harry in the back ground. They were all ok as far as I could tell. It was Louis I was concerned about. Though he was awake he was incoherent and he had blood falling rapidly from a gash on his head.
I was too fuzzy to feel any pain although I could see I was hurt.
I began to get hazier, the paramedic placing an oxygen mask over my face. But I needed to say one more thing. I pulled it away from my face and managed to insist ‘Heidi. Call Heidi.’ Before my vision dulled and I blacked out.